Sinning the Sins-Rebuttal to Everything Wrong with Star Wars

Tuesday, December 27th, 2016
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I pretty much live my life by Cinema Sins-everyone knows what the fuck that is so I won’t bother beating around the bush as to what we’re talking about. I laugh my ass off at a lot of things in movies that I completely agree are sins-although they’ve moved from flat out mistakes to plot inconsistencies, bad logic, and excessive exaggeration to get a laugh.

When it comes to the Holy Septology however (and yes, either they’re all part of it or none are. Debate the quality all you want, but they are one very long story broken into parts, so “HOLY TRILOGY” is just elitist fucking posturing) I can’t sit too still when you’re tearing it apart. So here goes the TechJedi Rebuttal of Cinema Sins “Everything wrong with (all) Star Wars Movies”

All these commentaries should be read while watching along with the given Cinema Sins,  cause otherwise these posts would take six weeks to get through.

 

A NEW HOPE

The first problem with the video is that fat assed blowhard and self styled mouthpiece of a lost and whiny generation Kevin Smith throws his 2 cents in, and they’re not even close to funny.

Stormtroopers are bad shots cliche is cliche.

They’re integral to the plot, you can’t kill them. (maiming is fine)

Who gives a fuck how Vader chokes someone Kevin, he’s being intimidating. Be funnier. First of never ending sex jokes that just ain’t fuckin funny.

You have to disable a ship before you can capture it. He asks for passengers, not military personnel. Not a sin.

Prometheus school is Prometheus.

Droids don’t really count as passengers. Half a thought when realizing there’s no continuing fire either makes you think they were stray shots. Not as Sinny as you think.

Good point about the escape pod, but who cares?

Kevin, there’s a military concept called “fire discipline”. I’m sure your wife is disappointed by yours all the time.

Escape pod dialog is a valid sin regarding how many.

Only if they were actually tracked on the way down.

Plot convenience is convenient. It’s not JJ convenient, so who cares.

“…dump off loads of Jawas to hide…” Well sure. It fucking worked, didn’t it?

CGI Riding-Lizard is Lizard. I mean superfluous. Fine.

An actual technical sin for once. Yes, someone skipped the tracks. Good Call.

Droid-crumbs. Who cares? Not a Sin.

Robot Roll Call works fine. It’s funny. I like it.

Owen got caught up. He needed a translator anyway, so he kept talking to 3PO. What’s the big deal? not a Sin.

Kevin Smith is only there to talk about dicks and run Gay Jokes. Yes the acting is poor. That’s a sin. Arcturian joke is forced.

R5’s convenient break down is convenient-a mild tension building moment.

So if you buy something from a flea market you don’t get mad if you’ve been fleeced? You just walk away with a hearty “Oh those marketeers!” Not a Sin.

T-16s weren’t for sale for 20 full years. What, you never fucking fiddled with something idly?

More crappy sex jokes. C’mon Kevin. Choose life.

You make a lot of assumptions about what a whiny teenager in “the farthest part of the galaxy” knows about Galactic Politics. All he knows is he hates the Empire.

C’mon Kevin. How the fuck do you know “Kenobi” isn’t just “Smith”? And what’s the real problem here?

Why is that even remotely a problem? It’s a simple story  telling device. There’s nothing wrong to hit there.

The apparent light should probably be higher, yeah, but the rest is made up unfunny garbage.

Ok, fine. Silence is golden.

Racism is bad.

Plot convenience is convenient. I’ll hand it to you, I never thought a landspeeder would need a copilot.

Ok, That’s funny with the no life forms.

Reverse job is terrible, I grant you. You’re pushing it with the knock out job though. The one end can clearly be turned for a blunt blow.

Half truths are True.

You didn’t really add anything to it all by reiterating the last comment and just being unfunny, Kev.  Enough with the sex jokes.

You’re pushing it Kev. It’s clear where the sabre was pointed. Unfunny.

It’s pointless for Obi-Wan to mention midi chlorians-even setting aside that they wouldn’t be invented for 20 years real time. Just pointless. Why would it help, and therefor, why is this a sin?

Pushing a little with the sex offender joke, but it actually matches the dialog better than anything Kevin Smith has said so far.

Sigh. Keep hitting that sister motif. We’ll get it into our heads one day.

Vader doesn’t actually HAVE a position in the Imperial military that’s made clear. Why wouldn’t a General challenge him? It wouldn’t be established that Vader straight up murders motherfuckers on his own side out of hand till next movie.

“Left one minute after the droids” exaggeration is exaggerated.

The framing comment is straight up not thinking. A military that didn’t have a database of indigenous peoples wouldn’t be much fucking good, and hey, let’s keep the secret mission to recover the secret plans to the secret battlestation secret, mmkay?

Stormtrooper accuracy cliche is cliche. At this point in the flick, there’s nothing to dispute it.

You have one point, Kev. It’s a good point. Why wouldn’t the Stormtroopers stay and apprehend Luke and the droids? It’s never clear. It’s a good plot hole, so to speak. But the rest of this lunacy? It’s idiotic and unfunny.

What’s the point of the similarity between the interrogation droid and the DS? Pointless. Why bother? How’s it a sin?

Leia has a particularly strong will, obviously. She’s the Martin Riggs of fucking SPACE, MAN.

Scavengers. Disease. You got time to go find a bunch of Jawas and explain the whole thing? No? Whatevs.

What options? All he owns is in that speeder. There’s nothing there says he has any dough in the bank or anything. You’re just making up this other options routine.

He did cry on the way. What’s blubbering on screen gonna do?

I have to trust you on Gary Indiana.

“Phantom Menace in my New Hope” is valid.

3PO is racist. I agree. At very least Classist.

No Lap Dance is Valid.

Satan and “That’s Bassist” are valid.

Racist comeuppance is comeuppance.

Extra CGI is valid.

Be funnier Kev. It’s valid, but you really, really are not adding a goddamned thing here.

Jabba’s tail is valid.

Backseat driver is valid, but a sin?

Also, your mom joke.

Exaggerated firing sequence is exaggerated.

Chess figure is defeated. It’s chess, not an RPG.

Hey, bright boy, is it that complex? The Force obeys your commands-if your command is to make your arm faster in a block, it’s gonna do that. What’s so difficult here? No Sin.

Bad judgments made solely on visual evidence don’t help. Get used to thinking about things and letting the Force augment your perceptions. No Sin.

He is, look at the screen.

Luke blocked three times. Once might be lucky. Twice would be extraordinarily Powerball Winning Lucky. 3x times is The Force.

Bad dubbing is bad. Sin validated.

Unwarranted delay in execution is unwarranted. Sin Validated.

Eh. So it’s lucky. Big deal. No Sin.

Yes, plot convenience is convenient. Sin validated with caveat. Where was the DS gonna go?

Range is a sin.

You’re skipping an important detail-They *DIDN’T* expect to find her in the Death Star. They expected Alderaan. No mention of the DS’ location or existence has been made to them. Vader never says rescue her, he says return the plans-which would fit with going to Alderaan. You’re pushing it for the sake of just having a sin here.

You just really aren’t thinking Kev. Han and Chewie wouldn’t be very good smugglers if the compartments weren’t scan shielded right? Thinking for half a damn second says the compartments are shielded somehow. The how itself is irrelevant. It’s obvious. Do Something Funny.

“Since…” when is irrelevant. People let sentences drop off in everyday conversations all the time. No Sin.

Timing for the Stormtroopers leaving the Falcon and unhiding the group is valid.

You’re half valid, Kev. Being boarded is a lot more likely to get you caught doing something then simply giving a ship the once over. Stop going back to the dick joke well. Also, try just one more motherfucking time with the “first day on the job” jokes. I’m sure it will get funny at some point. Repetition is the soul of comedy, right?

Eww, fan fiction joke. Eww. Additionally, it’s pretty obvious the droids were with Obi Wan.

Stormtrooper critique is half valid. They would have been useful, but believe me, a soldier doesn’t hang around anywhere when he could be fucking off somewhere else.

Back to the shielding on the compartments. Which is easily defeatable with your “technology we have in 2015. ”

Blaster fire is validated. Stormtrooper armor size convenience is convenient.

Can’t debate Luke’s ability to Sin.

Ugh. More dick jokes. Yes, it’s convenient. But think for half a minute-USB, MOTHERFUCKER.

Pronoun game is irritating. Sin Validated.

Boner power is all-power. Sin Validated, with caveat. Otherwise, movie ends here.

Jovial seems to be speculation. No Sin.

Stormtrooper accuracy cliche is inverted, but there’s a lot of stuff to hit, so exaggerated. No Sin.

Silly Sin. Not a Sin.

Bad tactics are bad. Sin Validated.

Compactor sin is sinful. Validated. Drop a thermal detonator down there-and end the movie here.

Stretching credulity is not a sin.

Timing Sin is sinful. Kevin Smith attempt at humor Sinful.

Speculation is speculating. The scene clearly features the sound of a hatch the Dianoga leaves by. Lost in 18 inches of water sin is sinful. Validated.

Standard movie mistake not reshot mistake sin is validated.

Stormtroopers are gullible. Sin Validated-with Caveat-Stormtroopers sent to find the Droids would have been from the Star Destroyer, and there is no valid reason to think Death Star ST’s would ever know there were droids to look for.

Compactor speed sin is sinful. Validated.

Scared Stormtroopers are a sin-kinda. The see 4 ppl all with weapons and in 1 second they lose a guy. Tactical withdrawal is not necessarily a sin.

Wil-Storm-Helm-Trooper is funny as fuck.

Badassery is valid.

“No!” validated.

A gesture of compassion is reduced to simply environmental concern. No Sin.

She was in the pilot seat. At very least she monitored systems, maybe even adjusted them. Reaching for a sin is reaching!

Exaggerating for a sin is exaggerating. No “everyone on the Death Star” needed to be coordinated. Just the teams from the general area. It would make even less sense to waste time informing squads from several dozen decks away as to what’s happening near a random docking bay. No Sin.

Han’s overconfidence is noted-but why would he think a homing beacon could have a range of several, if not hundreds, of star systems? Seems reasonable, if ill-informed on his part. No Sin.

Mispronunciation of established name is Sinful.

Sin Validated jinxing the mission.

Tractor beam Sin may be valid-easily hand waved by fighters being too fast to lock onto, especially during dogfghting. Sin INCONCLUSIVE.

Porkins’ name sin VALIDATED. Just call him BIG FAT GUY THAT BARELY FITS IN THE COCKPIT.

Overconfidence sin on Tarkin is Validated.

TIE Fighter cannon tracking is Sinful.
Redundant sin validates previous sin. Going back to the well is Sinful.

Pointless sin is pointless.

Kevin Smith just can’t pass up a jizz joke-and it’s seriously disgusting.

Why is the sin not a sin though? Parallel shots are parallel-concurrent-not sequential. Typical movie storytelling method. The firing sequence is happening *as* Luke is sighting in the final time. Not before.

Oh Look, a blowjob joke about Mewes. Oh That Smith.

I’ve seen this scene more than a hundred times. I’ve never heard it as “Carrie”. It could be. Sin aceptable.

Letting Smith get in the Last Sin is Sinful. I agree that Chewie needs his medal, but GODDAMN IT SMITH, SAY ONE FUCKING FUNNY THING IN THIS VIDEO YOU FAT FUCK.

Also, so you read an old book at one point. Nice way to make yourself seem brighter than you come off.

Stay tuned for all the other Sins, Sinned.



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